gemiegem

you win

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:27:33 GMT

I'm so confused...
I never thought I would be feeling this way again..
I thought it was over.. and I left it all behind..
I didn't think I had anymore tears to shed...
I guess I was wrong...

I can't think straight..
I don't wanna think straight..
The truth hurts more than a lie...
But I wish I knew what's keeping me awake every night...

I don't want to know the truth because I don't know how to react... regardless of the outcome.
Will I be furious? Shocked? Worried? Disgusted?
But if don't know the truth...
It's going to keep me up all night!

I just can't win....
I concede.. you win...

Why is it so easy for them?

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 11:25:01 GMT

Why is it so easy for guys to say those three words as if they mean nothing. While us girls hold on and cherish the very moment to when we get to say those words to our true love.

If you're wondering how I know, well I just do. I have close friends who are boys, and they tell me quite a few stories about why teenage boys and girls fail to understand each other. And here are just some of them:

1. Boys are only in it for the chase. They like a challenge, not to mention something to kill time with. They say they like you, but they only like the idea of you. Once he's squeezed you dry of everything you're worth he'll go out the door faster than you can say "screwed".

2. Boys like to play around. While most girls dream about their soulmate and prince charming, the boys dream about laid back relationships. Now this is not my own thought this is exactly what my friend said:

"Girls just dream too much, they always want that fairy tale ending but that's never going to happen. Us guys what we want is to keep things cool. We just want a relationship this early for practice, you know to gain experience for the future."

I was sick to my stomach when I heard this and partly furious of how insensitive boys could be. I asked him what if the girl doesn't want to be your practice toy, what if she wants you for real? He said:

"That's the problem, girls take it too seriously. It's not bad or anything, I mean if everything goes out great then I'll take her seriously too. But the problem is, they're too demanding right from the start."

I wasn't about to yell at him to wake up, I respect his perspective about this even though I think it's total nonesense. I mean, how could a girl not demand or expect something from you when you already said that you loved her? It doesn't make any sense.

~to be continued~

Disclaimer, NightLove, Vague Me!

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 08:19:44 GMT

Omg... I can't believe it! My first ever blog entries! Success!

DISCLAIMER: I was half-asleep when I did those first two blogs... It was late at night, probably around 11pm-12am. So... blah blah to what I was saying...

That's time when I start thinking deeply. That is the time all my emotions seem to fill my heart. I don't know whether it's because being half-asleep means that my mind cannot think straight already so I just tend to write anything I feel at the moment, or because I love the feeling of being alone. My family is usually asleep at that time. And for me it's the best time to just go away to another room and reflect on myself and my life and everything I've done or has happened to me. I can't possibly do that in the middle of the day and stare out into open space, well sometimes I do that but I've been called creepy because of that. Anyway back to the point, I love late hours because of the atmosphere where it seems like you're the only one who's moving. I can see things better and notice things I've never noticed before. I've never been a person who loves crowds. Honestly I found crowded places scary, wild and unsafe, not to mention the super close contacts and the humid atmosphere. I love to hang out with friends but only if there are a hand full in numbers. Personally I would prefer one friend at a time. You know someone close to you that you can be with anywhere anytime. You get the idea... and then some.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know something my friend said hit me, probably so hard and fast that I couldn't even feel it. He said I wasn't being honest with myself and I'm always in denial. Well, you could guess what I replied to that, I said: "No I am not in denial!" But I was. I was too afraid to admit what I felt. Every single time I find myself lying to myself and to others. Then I thought why would I do that? It hit me again.

I am afraid to be embarrassed.
I am afraid to be called stupid.
I am afraid to be looked down on.
I am afraid to be criticised.
I am afraid to be hurt.
I am afraid of myself.

I'm afraid of a lot of things in this world. I'm afraid to try new things and I am never ever sure of what I want. (well, I want a big baby penguin stuff toy.. but that's not the point!)

I've been told that I always speak vaguely. Especially during chats. It's very frustrating when they say that they can't understand what Isaid or what I'm thinking. Sometimes I just wanna say to them: "Ughh! Can't we just talk on the phone or personally so you'll get me?" I really speak vaguely and I don't know why. I don't even have the patience to explain and they don't have the patience to try and understand so the conversation eventually goes nowhere. THE END.

Was I vague in this blog? Well no surprise if I am.
This blog doesn't even have a precise point of main idea. Oh well.... Have fun trying to understand. *Evil Laugh*~

Hidden Pain

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:56:39 GMT

You've cried all these tears for him, and for what? You can't even remember why. All you remember was the guilt you felt when he said you didn't care when he cared. LIES! He never cared. How foolish you are to believe it. How foolish you must now feel for being so naive. You're inexperienced and curious. You wanted to know how it felt like to care.

You know it hurts, you just never admit it. You never cry in front of others even if you can't stop it, you'll try. Why would you cry? You believed that it was nothing. You said you didn't feel anything but why are you're eyes so full of tears? You can't cry! Not in front of anyone! Never! Because I don't want people asking me what the heck are you crying about. I can never make a good excuse to hide the truth. But even so, you still want to have someone to tell all your pain and emotion to, someone who understands you, who cares for you, who never judges you and someone who will never ever leave you. When you cry, you long for those arms and shoulders to keep you safe and warm and to tell you everything is all right. But it will never happen. No one is here except yourself. The only thing closest to a warm embrace is a pillow you hug every night to tide in all your emotions. That person you've been dreaming all this time, will remain a dream. That feeling you've wanted to feel all this time will be long covered by the fear you now have. The fear of being hurt.

You've cried all these tears, because you know you'll never have your dream come true. Not now, not anytime soon. And now you make me keep thinking... "Where did I go wrong?" "What happend?" Stop it! Stop thinking! I'm sick of analyzing something that has no end, no explanation. Please, don't ever make me feel this way again. I don't want to be reminded anymore.

~As her mind speaks out to her heart she fell asleep quietly, her eyes still full of tears. Her heart shut tight promising no entrance to anyone. And all that keeps repeating in her mind are the words : "He's not worth it!"~

When there's no bright side

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:24:47 GMT

No one will ever understand you. So why bother explaining? No one will ever know what you feel so why bother trying. There are some things in this world better left unsaid. Most of them are your thoughts because you know no one will ever listen. No one cares about what you think, no one will bother. Who are you anyway to people you spend time with. They are reliable in good times but when worse comes to worst no one is there to save you.

You act as if you're tough but you know deep down you have a frail heart. You keep a brave front acting like an insensitive person. But you're more sensitive than you know. Feelings for you come and go in an instant. But they remain at the back of your head just waiting to be remembered.